He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
