I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
