You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
