i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
