You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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