I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
