...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
