Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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