My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This house was built for laser tag.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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