Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
