I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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