I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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