my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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