No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
