This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
