I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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