I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
