Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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