PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
