I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
