Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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