Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
