i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
