There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
