I smell stomach acid.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
