She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
