I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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