yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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