I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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