remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
