Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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