One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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