sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dicks are not precious.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
