She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
