is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it because I queefed?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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