I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
