Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
