Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
