Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
