so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
