Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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