I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
