im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
