Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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