watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
