Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize