WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
