Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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