I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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