the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
