I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
