so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
