What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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