theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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