I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
