We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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