I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
