yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm experimenting with sincerity
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
